Knoxville Murder Trial, my opinion/ 2 cents worth.

I do not take too much interest in local news, normally. I find that local news is usually not news at all. I am not a gawker at the unfortune of others. In fact, just yesterday I went to Dick’s Sporting Goods only to find three fire trucks, a couple of ambulances, squad cars, a mother cradling a baby being checked out by a paramedic, a slew of onlookers, and a grey minivan teetering on one of those yellow concrete pillars that protects the sidewalk. I parked my car. Saw that the situation was under control and went on into Dick’s to shop. My help was not needed. So, I went on without asking questions. Technically speaking, I am an RN with my ACLS certification, so I guess I could have entered the scene to see if they needed help. I digress.

I seemed to have been inevitably thrust into the Lamaricus Davis trial for his involvement in the murder of Chris Newsom and Channon Christian. At lunch today one of my coworkers started going over the gory details of the murders explicitly. I left while they were mid sentence. I had heard enough. Then, when the jury was rendering its sentencing recommendation, coworkers were in the break room watching the TV waiting for the news. I went into my patient’s room and heard “four death penalties” come from my patient’s mouth. I knew what they were talking about. Some offered up opinions as to why justice was served and why the family needed this for closure. I sat mostly quiet, offering up a few ambiguous questioning remarks.

You see, I think in times like these-when a community gets hit with tragedy-open dialogue is good. And, that is why I am writing my 2 cents worth here. Not to be right. Not to be cross-examined or harassed. But, rather, to look at the big picture from my own point of view. I offer this only as spring board of thought and conversation.

First of all let me say that I think the murders were as heinous as they come. Despicable, depraved, nasty, evil, hellish, ghastly, unfathomable, inhuman, inconceivable and simply wrong are other words that come to mind. The pain, indignity, suffering, etc. that the victims were put through is mind wrenching. They did not deserve what happened to them. The family does not deserve the pain of trying to imagine the last thoughts and emotions of their children. Moreover, the families of the perpetrators do not deserve the terror wondering what happened to their children, imagining what could possibly be going through the minds of their own relatives that would cause them to engage in the flagrant mutilation of other humans.

If my kids were the victims. I would want to carry out the punishment myself. If I were the perpetrators family, I would want my children to live and have a chance to change their lives, even if it meant they spent the rest of their lives in jail. As a member of society, I want a statement of justice that clearly demonstrates that this behavior will not be tolerated in our community; where boundaries are crossed, expect justice. I want justice. I am just not sure what that means.

Some tout the benevolence of Jesus, yet others lean towards his “eye for an eye” statements. I have read the philosopher Mortimer Adler say that if life is an inalienable right endowed by our creator, then who are we as humans to take it. Meaning that even though someone may take another person’s life, the perpetrator does not forfeit their inalienable right to life. It is not tit for tat, so to speak. I have read and thought, have yet to come up with conclusive answers that can be blanketed and applied to every situation.

As a Christian I believe this “[It is of] the LORD’S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not”. Lamentations 3.22. We are all guilty. If I the parent lust for the death of my son’s or daughter’s killer, then I am a murderer too. If I fantasize about killing them in the same horrific way, then I wonder if I am better. Today I thought that when this most horrible of crimes occurred that all heaven weeped and all hell rejoiced. I imagined that tears were shed for the victim’s pain and also for the depravity of the poor lost souls who committed the crimes. Hell rejoiced in the depravity and the pain. It is all so very sad and sickening.

The last thought I have is about the victims’ families. If I were in their situation, I too would relish in what I could. Each death sentence would be a moment of luscious enjoyment. But, because of mercy, I am today blessed to not be in their shoes. From a distance I know they want retribution. I can only hope that they do not believe that any sentence received by the guilty will fill the emptiness that has lunged into their lives. I do not believe that they would feel better if, like one of my coworkers suggested, the guilty were subjected to a similar daily torture until they committed suicide. Only God can heal this wound. It will not be when the verdicts are rendered and punishment is meted out. (It can be a couple of decades before a person on death row makes it to the end). It may be a life time. It may be never. But healing will never be without God.

Thanks for reading. Again, this is my humble opinion. I do not want to argue.

The NFL and me.

Like many people, I find that I am entertained by watching football. The older I get the more I appreciate the NFL, mostly for the level of play. The business portion of the league, primarily player’s salaries, seem gratuitous to me. But that, my friends, is a debate in which I do not wish to engage. What I want to convey is my personal feelings toward the game and why I am a fan. That is all. Then again, I like razzing the Steelers fans at my work as much as the next person.

I like the NFL because it can be art. It is art just as any profession becomes an art when a gifted person works to take their God given potential to a level of transcendence. Drawing from another sport, remember Michael Jordan. To this day I am in awe when watching documentaries of him play. He was created to play basketball, he worked hard at it, and the result was beauty. Watching him play was like watching dancing-power manifested effortlessly. Watching him play is inspirational. There are a few football players that I have turned on the tube to see them play: Lynn Swann as he soared for a reception, Walter Payton, Barry Sanders, Reggie White, Brett Favre, Mean Joe Green, Dick Butkus, Peyton Manning, et al.

That’s why I watch the NFL. I am not a fan as in “fanatic”, where I am consumed with stats. I am simply an enjoyer of the game. Of course I have my favorite team and it is not because they are known for winning or show-stopping players. Honestly, I think I picked my team because my grandmother’s favorite bird was a cardinal. I have a picture of me as a child at Christmas wearing a ¾ jersey sleeve St. Louis Cardinals football t-shirt, white with red sleeves, and a cardinal helmet on the front. I guess I have never found a reason not to like them. I like underdogs, which they perpetually are. I like it when people play for the love of the sport not necessarily winning. Obviously, some long standing Cardinals like Adrian Wilson and Roger Wherli must have. Of course Pat Tillman deserves an honorable mention as a Cardinals team member because he gave up football to serve in the military. For the life of me it does not make sense to be a Cardinals fan. No one from the Vols currently plays on the team. They do not have any geographic connection. Although, I did visit the St. Louis Arch when they in Missouri. I simply like the mascot (as ferocious as it is), the color, and the fact that Me Ma had a woven basket purse with a porcelain cardinal on the lid. I guess there are cooler answers, but that is mine.

Last year I decided to come out of the closet and finally bought an article of clothing from the Arizona Cardinals. As an adult I have only owned one item from a professional team and that was a St. Louis Cardinals baseball cap. I bought it because, again, I had one as a kid. I have absolutely no interest in pro baseball. One day, while wearing it out some “real” baseball fan tried to strike up a conversation about the team I was representing. It felt kind of strange not having any answers so I rarely wear it, even though I like the hat and logo. So it was a big deal for me to buy these shirts. [Oh, for the record, I bought the shirts before their 2008 playoff run and appearance in the 2009 Super-Bowl.] Of course after their loss (a fluke! They were robbed, damn it! I hate Rothlisberger and Holmes for that play) in the big game, the clothing I had purchased became an emblem of shame which I dared not wear beyond the purpose of a pajama t-shirt. But today, I am proudly wearing the Cardinal t-shirt hoody in Panera.

Go Cards!

Softball Single

As I push-mowed under the blue late morning sky, soft cool winds confirmed that summer had waned into fall. Soon the roar of my small Briggs & Stratton would be replaced by the quieter swish of leaf raking. My mind wandered as I methodically paced the lawn. I began to think about my eight year old daughter and her batting skills in softball.

This fall I replaced her 25 in/15oz tee ball bat with a slightly larger 27in/17oz youth fast pitch bat. Would the two inches and two ounces make a difference in her batting? She is not the star player on the team. She is deep on the batting charts and usually plays backup behind the short-stop. However, she manages to get on base on most of her at bats. In one recent game she scored 2 of the 3 runs. She reminds me of my dad when I watched him play in a church softball league.

Being a preteen, I was too young to play with the grown men, but I went to practices and watched all the games I could. My two older brothers played in the local church league. I think they were down a player or two for the team and asked Dad if he could play. Dad was probably in his early forties at the time, but had been an active athlete through college where he played intramural sports. After college he coached my brothers and me in baseball, football, and basketball.

Though he was out of shape and had not played any kind of ball in a while, he was an asset to the team. I remember being amazed at his ability to get on base with seemingly every at bat. While some batters tried for home runs or deep balls, Dad go on base with a simple line-drive or grounder. He realized his limitations and did what he knew he could do.

I guess I feel the same way about the way I approach things, except that I want more recognition that I get. I am usually not the most outstanding performer, but I am solid. I show up to work on time and work hard while I am there. Maybe I should learn that batting singles is not such a bad place to be.

Submission-the mystery revealed.

The meaning of submission came to me in one of those “oh, duh!” moments when I realized that the word could be broken down into “sub” and “mission”. Then, in my brilliance, I saw that submission means “under -mission”. I concluded that to be submissive meant to be a willing participate with someone else’s mission. Understanding submission in this way helps me to decide where I will be submissive and where I will not. If I have a choice in the matter, I can say that I do or do not agree with the vision of a particular organization (you name it–church, job, ministry, etc) and then decide if I am willing to be submissive to that vision.

Personal Affirmation and Church

This is an addendum to my last post. I have always looked to churches, not Christ, as a source of affirmation. I have sought to be recognized as important within the organizational structure, particularly in playing and leading music. I guess I thought that having affirmation as a musician or even a teacher would provide a sense of self worth. My Lord has sheltered me from this. It appears that at every turn I have run into brick walls. No one has recognized my greatness…Thank God!

I am sure that my longing for affirmation within a church is not a singular event. If the truth be known, it may possibly be the driving force behind many of us when we join a local parish. Do not misunderstand me. I do believe that God uses people to bolster our self-esteem. He has made us relational at the core. Earthly relationships, when properly placed in our walk, are part of His plan. However, when, like me, people seek others solely for affirmation, the desire is never completely filled. The sense that “this is not enough” looms over like a burning blimp.

I have just been set free from this. After years of butting my head against brick walls, I finally realize that the people I idolized are human and will let me down-human affirmation fails. God is showing me that He is my all. He wants to me to have Him as my prized relationship. It has been a very painful journey, but I am looking forward to the future, to today.

Church and the common denominator-humans

Apart from all the doctrinal and stylistic differences that are taught in any given independent church or denomination, which can admittedly be vastly different, the human element remains. My personal experience is that this denominator delineates many of the overt differences in churches when it comes to participating. I was raised in a church where my father was a deacon, Sunday school teacher, song leader, and eventually an elder. Since that time I have been involved with at least seven other churches. Four of these I have been participated in music and/or  leading small groups. I have always been somewhat close to the overseeing leadership or have been close enough to hear or “sense” what is going on. Here are some of my observations.

People appear to like power, to be in a leadership position. I am no exception. I have wanted to have influence. Fortunately, God has not let me have to many leadership positions. However, leadership in most of the churches I have participated in does not like to be questioned about much of anything. Start poking around and see what happens. I usually find resistance. I have been told that if I questioned the leadership then maybe I need to consider moving on to somewhere else. Church leadership has a way of stating things in a way that make parishioners feel as if I was questioning God Himself. Recently I expressed my discontent with the past hiring of worship pastors and the way the current search was being undertaken. I stated what I felt was best. I also communicated that I felt that I could do the job. I was then was told that I did not have the experience needed, but, if I could “submit” to the leadership that I might could participate. I was even told that the church wanted someone with my level of talent and my vision, but was told that I did not have enough ‘tested leadership in a large church environment.’ This happened after I had been trying to plug in to the music ministry for over a year.

Lifestyle is spiritual. In one church I attended if a person home schooled, or made their bread from home ground wheat, or spoke in tongues, or could prophesy, then that person was looked up to as spiritual. They were closer to God than the rest of us. Though this was not stated it was easily inferred. When, all of a sudden, a person “received” the a gift of the Holy Spirit that person felt more spiritual. They seemed to feel part of the in crowd.

I have fallen prey. I have personally been “victim” of this. I have given into believing that the anointed pastor was actually closer to God than I could ever be. I came to believe that if I were somehow closer to the pastor, leadership, or whomever, that I might actually become closer to God. Because, after all, they have the words of God and the teaching that I need and cannot get without whoever it is. As a result, many people have become idols in my life. I have been envious.

The good news is that God has broken me of this recently. He has shown me that Jesus is the God to look upon. Jesus is the one to imitate. Everyone else is simply human. Everyone of us is struggling to know Christ in all of His Glory. Christ is continually putting me through suffering to show me to trust in Him alone for guidance. It is a painful lesson to learn. It can be lonely. In a world where I have wanted recognition, I get little if any. Where I want to be close to the powerful, I am not. When I try to build my own ministry, it never happens. Where I want friends, I am lonely. This is my experience.

My experience is no that of others so I do not know if they pushed their way to the top or if God put them there. Either way He has allowed it. Though, I am often jealous, I suppose that I should be grateful that He has protected me. Thankful that He is preparing me. That he has been gracious enough to answer my deepest longings to know Him alone as Lord.

We are all human and the darkest sins of humanity are present even where we expect them not, church. Expect disappointment, disillusionment, greed, power struggle, know-it-alls, people with closed minds and ears, loneliness, heartache, fear, and betrayal. Find somewhere and dig in. Be malleable, humble but speak your mind in love. Let the chips fall where they may and listen for the Supreme voice as the coins clank on the cold floor into silence.

Music: The divine and secular.

What I hope to present here is my perspective on music in general; more specifically, why we have music and the influence it can have in our lives. Unlike many things in life music is not something I see as a neutral. I will develop why I believe this to be true. As someone who has a degree in music, has played an instrument for over 23 years, and as listened to and sang music for as long as I can remember, I have thought deeply about this matter. I wish the reader of this to do the same.

The first thing I would like to establish is that music is eternal. It has been before the world began and will continue to be after it is gone. In the book of Job chapter 38 verses 6 and 7 God asks Job about the creation of the world: “On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone–while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?” I do not think it much of a stretch to say that music was part of or active at the creation of the world. Then, in Revelation there are numerous accounts of music being used in heaven to worship. I think it is plausible to say that music is eternal. Moreover, if music is eternally used to worship God, then it is reasonable to assume that Satan would want to be worshiped with music.

Now, a question can be proposed about this that is difficult for me to answer concretely. If both God and Satan are worshiped with music, is all music worship to one or the other? What about the music that is not written to explicitly to worship either God or Satan? Or another way of stating the question–is all music of eternal consequence? Is there some that glorifies neither? I am not sure I can answer completely. But again, my purpose here is to get us to think about the influence of music in our lives.

At this point in my life I would say that music is either for God or not. I say this because, honestly, I am easily influenced. Being a musician and lover of music I listen to music and lyrics over and over. My experience tells me that I am easily programmed by music. I am  easily influenced by music and can even begin to model in my daily life what is being sung. A counselor once told me that music bypasses rational thought and taps into our limbic (primitive) brains. You ever heard a song not heard in years and been transported to an earlier time and place? It is that kind of thing.

Now I realize that not everyone is like me in regards to music and it being influential in everyday life. Some people do not even pay attention to lyrics and like the beat and the instrumental work. I appreciate that. But let us once again turn our focus to the music that does not seem to overtly glorify God or Satan.

Country music is often stereotyped with married partners being cheated on and honky tonkin’. One more recent country song “Stay” sung by Sugarland is about the out of wedlock lover longing for a married man to leave the marriage and be with her. View the lyrics here http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/sugarland/stay-18495.html It is undoubtedly a powerful and emotive song. It points to a reality that happens in our culture. It is a convincing outpouring of disparateness. Is this a good influence? I say no. I suppose someone could say “hey, if you are thinking of having an affair, listen to this song. This may be how you end up. Is this what you want in your life?” However, I daresay that the targeted audience is women who are in or have been in this situation. In either case it would could validate the feelings of someone in an affair or drag someone back into feelings left behind. I guess I am saying listener beware.

Rock music is no different. Much of it advocates a lifestyle that is not Christian. The songs that appear more neutral rarely point to Christ as a way out of difficult circumstances.

I am running out of steam. Maybe I’ll share more later. I hope I have given you some food for thought. Enjoy your day.

Dying to Love

I suppose this title could be read two ways. One focuses on dying. I die to myself so that I can love. The second is that a person is dying to the concept of love. I am going to focus on the former.

Marriage is tough. It cannot properly function unless the husband and wife die to themselves. Furthermore, marriage cannot function properly unless it follows the biblical model. That model is simply that the husband is under the direct authority of Christ. The husband serves his wife as Christ served the church. He is to “give himself up for her” or die to himself for her. The wife is then to submit to the husband as she would submit to Christ. The key here is an understanding of biblical authority and submission. Unless both the husband and the wife are fulfilling their roles to the best of their ability, then the marriage suffers greatly.

What is interesting to me in this biblical model is that the wife derives much of her spiritual life from her husband, assuming that her husband is fully submitted to Christ. Essentially, the husband is to be Christ to his wife. I dare not expound on this. The possibilities are endless and arguments as to what it means to actually be Christ as a husband would be varied. I can take no sides. Let each person work this out with fear and trembling.

From personal experience, I can say that this has played a large role in many of the breakdowns in my marriage. When I try to lord over my wife, she rebels. When I consider her needs, she opens up and becomes more receptive to what I think about things in our marriage and her life.

This all means that the husband must die to himself in order that he may love his wife. Why? Because it is Christ only who can fill his or his wife’s love needs. Christ is who she needs and I can almost guarantee that any woman loved with the genuine love of Christ will submit to her husband. Why? Because she wants the love of Christ. Her deepest needs are being met.

I for one have failed at this. I have suffered for it. So has my wife. I guess if I see that my wife is looking elsewhere in the world for acceptance than I need to look at myself to see where I am falling short. The real crux of the matter is that only Christ can meet anyone’s need. If I look to my wife to meet my needs…disaster. If she looks to me…disaster.

Thanks for reading.

Popular Culture: Being lulled to sleep.

I have some concerns about some elements of our pop culture today, particularly media, entertainment, and new forms of communication. Examples of these are TV, secular music, cell phones, text messaging, email, Facebook, etc. My concern is that these technologies open up little and seemingly tiny cracks for being lured to believing that somethings are OK, which are really not.

From the outset let me clear. These are my opinions for myself; my views, how I live my life, and they may or may not be for you. I put this stuff out there for fodder. It helps me process.

When it comes to these types of things (things about which, I as a Christian, have a choice) Iscripture gives much leeway to the individual–loose guidelines, if you will. Statements like “all things are permissible, but not all things are profitable” and “whatever is pure and lovely…dwell on these things” leave various shades of gray, no doubt. However, when you add to this thought process “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, MIND, and strength” then clarity begins to come. I should do only those permissible things which are profitable in helping me to love my Lord with all my heart and my neighbor..This is, in simple form, the basis of my philosophy.

I own a TV set. We do no get cable, satellite, or even local channels. That was my decision. I now wonder how I had the time to ever watch the thing. I am not a total prude, though. The kids do have a Wii and watch movies from time to time. My problem with TV is that I do not feel safe letting my kids watch even a football game for the commercials. Most of the commercials are very sexually charged, sometimes bordering on soft porn. Forget the kids, I do not need to see it. Same goes for movies. I have to be careful.

Secular music is something that I am currently wrestling with. Simply put, a house divided cannot stand and if you are not for me then you are against me. Let me say first, as one who holds a performance degree in music, that not all secular music is bad. But, and it is a big BUT, music, in my opinion is not neutral. Music is something that is eternal. There is not a subject that is more prolific in scripture . For example, Psalms is an entire book of music and lyrics. Music exists to worship God.We exist to worship. Satan hates us and God. He tries to receive worship or move it away from God. So then, if music is not drawing a person to God, not engaging our mind to worship God, not encouraging us in the Lord, should we be listening? Obviously, not enough space here to develop a good dialogue or argument. If you pray and ask God what He wants you to listen to, He will faithfully answer. Trust me, get on your knees with your favorite secular CD and ask your Lord if it honors Him. The very thought of this makes me start making excuses for what I listen to. Try it.

I am going to lump cell phones and computer communication into this last paragraph. Sometimes I like to think simply to cut through all of the chatter. Here is my simple thought. If I, being married, would not want my wife to know who I was communicating with should I being doing it? Hmmmm…? Or, if I would not allow a particular person to call my house and ask for me on my home phone (soon to be a thing from the past) should I communicate with them via cell or online? I do not think so. However, cell technology and programs such as Facebook make this behavior easy.  These kind of actions seem normal–everyone is doing it, right! We are warned to not be lulled to sleep. It is so easy for me to think “oh I’m just catching up with some old friends.” That is fine and good, but one must be careful, I think. Pray about who God wants you to communicate with. Seriously, He will faithfully answer.

Being “in the world, but not of it” is a tenuous balance. Salt and light. The flavor enhancing and light giving people in a bland and dark world. I am trying to uncover how to love my Lord in this ever changing world. What can I shed to make more room? What is it that I do not need? Do I really need electronic binary bumperstickers on MySpace and Facebook? Do I really want to know that so-and-so is watching Lost on TV? Or maybe I am making an excuse for not having people physically in my living room because we are all together updating our statuses. Geez, I do not know. Something just does not sit well. It makes me uneasy.

Once again, thanks to the devoted few…

Jesus! why He prayed so much?

I feel like sharing some scattered thoughts about Jesus and His humanity. I often, and for good reason, put Jesus up on a high pedestal, forgetting what He must have experienced as a man living out His Father’s will. The lofty, transparent story is this; that Jesus was born and we have presents at Christmas, that Jesus did some cool miracles to prove He was God, that Jesus made some people mad so they killed Him on the cross; that, in the end, Jesus gets to say “I told you so” because He was resurrected. Simply put, John 3:16. All of this is true and wonderful, but there is more I think. Don’t you?

You see, scripture teaches us that Jesus was fully man and fully God. Furthermore, that He chose to lay down His deity to be a man while on earth. See Philippians’s chapter 2. Here is what I really want to get at, that Jesus rarely found earthly comfort as a man. I have been thinking that this is why He prayed so much. Those of you who know the stories about Jesus, ponder a moment and think  of some times when Jesus was validated on earth by humans. Hmmmm….I can think of a few, then again, upon a casual mental scan, it seems to me that most of the time someone was in the background plotting or grumbling about the things He said or did. This is why He prayed. Jesus found His relational security with ONLY God the Father. Go ahead, name one fully stable and comforting relationship that Jesus had with a person. Come on now, just one! I cannot think of any.

To the world Jesus must have seemed like an unstable guy and I think He must of known this–another reason He prayed. Think of the things that Jesus said and did for a while. Imagine yourself challenging the establishment without anyone to truly understand and give support. See what I am seeing?

What’s more is that everything Jesus did culminated in the cross. (Something by the way He was willing to do, but did not really want to do. See Gethsemane.) God was telling Jesus to do and say things that would upset people. Imagine yourself doing this all the time. Yeah, some people liked the miracles and that is cool, but even the fact that He could do the miracles made Him different than everyone else. This is why He prayed. Imagine yourself saying to yourself and then to some friends “hey, on Easter Sunday, I am going to get all dressed up, go to the biggest and most celebrated church in the USA and tell everyone that I am Christ, the Second Coming is here!” To me that is what He did when He rode into the city and everyone yelled Hosanna!

I cannot fathom having the fortitude to do something like this. Hate to end this but work is beckoning! Really, this is why Jesus prayed. No one understood Him but the Father and He was OK with it. Blessings!