Random Thoughts, venting

• It’s spring. There’s frost. I’m tired of cold mornings. Cool is OK. Not cold. Winter is done.
• I’m at Panera drinking coffee, wishing you were here, whoever you are. It is bizarre that so many are here with our laptops carrying on digital conversations with IM, Email, blogs. It is exciting. It is sad. I was sharing a two table booth with someone (the kind that have chairs on one side and the bench on the other) and she moved to a two person booth to be alone.
• As a nurse I can make or break your day and hospital day. Then again, you can do the same for me. Let’s get along.
• When asked how to get eternal life, Jesus told some people to love God and your neighbor. Then he told the Good Samaritan parable. I have never been taught that is how to attain eternal life. Maybe He left the part about believing in Him out because He had not died yet.
• There is a man sitting over there wearing a pink oxford, holding a pen, interacting with a woman younger than him. I know this because he has gray hair. I also know that they are not married. I can tell by their body language. She got out her laptop. This means they are conducting business. Maybe they have a secret love code worked out in business lingo. Maybe, just maybe, it is none of my business. I still want to know. 
• The Christian life has been less than ideal and, moreover, illusive for me. It probably has much to do with my interpretation and expectations. But when I read about Jesus going to the cross for the Joy set before him and about martyrs singing while being devoured by wild beasts, I begin to wonder where I have missed the mark. I mean, COME ON!, BE FOR REAL!, I can honestly say that the Christianity I have been practicing does not engender these same sentiments in me (except, of course, when I envision people I know heralding my praises when I am singing while being persecuted–in other words when it is for my glory). I only wish I could say that I consider everything dung for knowing Christ. I don’t. 
• Hey! there is the children’s minister from my church. She is reading the paper, has two books, and is eating a quiche.
• This man just left rolling in a wheel chair. He had a waxed handlebar mustache. I wonder what I would look like in one of those. Older men can pull things off like that, because people think that it is cute. Can you imagine having your young male nurse walking into your room with a handlebar mustache. A jazz bassist could pull that off, but not a nurse.
• Back to the dung deal. I do not want to give the impression that I do not want to be a Christian. That is far from the truth. I have honestly seen great changes in my life. I have seen mountains move, my wife can attest to this. However, what I am wrestling with is that I do not think that these changes are knowing Christ. Nor do I think they can be extrapolated into such. There has to be more to it than God is a great God and I know Him because He helps me not yell at my kids as much and I am inkling less selfish than I used to be. Think about Paul. What if said knowing Christ has been great because I have lost my wealth and status, have been beaten, put in prison, bitten by snakes, yelled at, shipwrecked and I have this great thorn in my side He has said He will not remove. Knowing Christ is so awesome y’all. NO! No! no! There has to be more. There has to be a real encounter with a real Divine Being for this to be true.
• The problem is that I have not experienced this. I have experienced times when I knew God was near and when I look back on life I see the proverbial and cliche “footprints in the sand.” But where is the real time Brother Lawrence life. It is all so exhausting and the church has made ways for making me lie and seeking God that have not amounted to anything but frustration. I lie when I sing “knowing you, Jesus, there is no greater thing. You’re my all. You’re the best. Your my joy, my righteousness.” I am frustrated with meditation, quiet times, and other “spiritual disciplines.” These things are exercised of my mind and yes I know the “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” bit. I am not talking about being transformed. I’m not talking about “being still to know He is God.” I know He is God. I respect that He is God and Lord. I am talking about the Garden of Eden type of knowing. Knowing like I know my wife and kids, not some pie in the sky metaphorical person who causes guilt if I don’t go to church. Tangibility is what I want. The whole world does not have to know that I know Jesus, even though I think it would be evident. I just need to know in my heart. Amen.

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